Trump Tours: An Open Letter to Citizens of the United States of America

Dear Citizens of the United States of America,

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because this guy is an absolute fucking cosmonaut.

A few months ago, it was funny to watch him spew hilariously outlandish venom from that ugly half-crumpled Duplo face of his. When he described Mexican immigrants as “drug dealers” and “rapists” I admit that while I found it offensive, I also found it more pathetic. Because who could take that shit seriously? But the longer his campaign continues, the less amusing and more frightening his ill-informed vitriol becomes.

His popularity as a hateful figure of fun—the Katie Hopkins of America, if you like, or the Sarah Palin of 2015—seems to be translating into actual popularity. France is experiencing a similarly queasy lurch to the extreme right. Historically these things tend to blow over, but recent terror attacks in both countries have very effectively achieved their perpetrators’ goal of turning righteous public indignation into something much more dangerous and divisive.

This has the potential to fuck us all over. For terrorism to succeed, we must be terrorised—fearful of our neighbours and afraid for our lives. And nobody is stirring up terror and paranoia faster than Donald Trump.

This is happening on your watch.

In the summer, he pledged to build a big wall along the US-Mexico border, and said that Mexico would pay for it. When Syrians sought refuge in the US and elsewhere from the interminable bombardment of their country, Trump argued that they should be sent back to live amongst the rubble and bombs, because some of them might be terrorists. This week he said that he would ban all Muslims from entering the US. He has previously proposed a national database of Muslims, and some kind of badge that they should all wear, and attempted to mitigate this with the classic “Some of my best friends” line.

What we have here is satire at its darkest, finest and most outrageous—except that this drooling horseshit was actually spoken out loud in the real world, in public, by a man seeking the highest office in one of the planet’s most politically dominant countries.

These are not the words of a man who has any kind of relationship with reality. They are the words of a madman.

Citizens of the United States, this man wants to represent you. Every day you entertain his verbal incontinence is a campaign day denied to a serious candidate. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s recent argument for common sense on green energy proved that not all Republicans are closed-minded, gunpowder-headed morons. There are some worth listening to.

Say what you like about George W. Bush; at least his malapropism-peppered speeches, full of nonsense like “misunderestimated” and “catapult the propaganda”, betrayed delusions of grandeur. Trump, a real estate billionaire who must have some business acumen, seems to be deluding himself downward, to the level of the angry, abusive drunk at the bus stop who, in his heart of hearts, really wants someone to punch him in the fucking face. If this guy is given the launch codes for nuclear weapons, I’m moving to Mars.

Let’s talk about terrorism, because I suspect that the attacks in Paris and California prompted the spikes in this improbably-coiffed fool’s popularity, as his sophomoric rhetoric shifted its glassy-eyed focus to Islam.

Groups like ISIL have no more association to Islam than the Nazis had to peace, despite the symbol they co-opted for their flag. ISIL claim to be Muslims—so what? We don’t have to agree with the motherfuckers. Common sense tells us that their press statements are as abhorrant as their actions. Common sense tells us that their declaration of allegiance to a religion is merely an attempt to legitimise their blatantly self-serving acts of violence.

Don’t take my word for it. After writing that paragraph I read that one of America’s most awesome citizens, Muhammad Ali, has said pretty much the same thing. The same day, Harrison Ford made fun of Trump for idolising his kickass President character in Air Force One, saying “Donald, it’s just a movie.” Do you want a President who’s been told off by Muhammad Ali and Harrison Ford?

Trump’s fear-mongering has surpassed the level of truth-spinning and now reaches into outright fantasy—for example, claiming that areas of Paris and London are so “radicalized” that the police are afraid to go there. Our own pig-poking, hydrant-faced Ploughman’s sandwich of a Prime Minister, a man who recently branded his opposition party “a threat to national security”, was moved to call this inflammatory drivel “unhelpful” and “wrong”. Over at the Met, where they have better things to do, somebody took time out of their day to formally denounce the deranged blabbering of this smug, straw-haired psychopath.

In further response, Robert Gordon University revoked Trump’s honorary degree, Nicola Sturgeon dismissed him from his role as business ambassador, and an online petition has forced Parliament to debate whether this preening heap of shit should be banned from entering the UK. Obviously this petition thing is hilarious, but I didn’t sign it because I’m not sure whether he really is a hate-speechifying turd or just a dribbling idiot with the means to reach an unprecedented audience, and I would not support restricting someone’s movements on the grounds of mental deficiency. He might just have a really evolved version of Tourette’s.

Trump responded by complaining that the Scots snubbed him after he invested £200,000,000 in developing his golf club in Aberdeen. To which I say: “Yeah—don’t fuck with Scotland”.

Citizens of the United States of America:

I would ask you at this time to take your lead from us and denounce this chump as nothing but an opportunistic, hateful charlatan. He is taking the piss out of you.

Many of us are afraid of the unknown, of our neighbours, of strangers, of unfamiliar religions and cultures. Most of the time, we are rational enough to understand that this fear of the unknown is unfounded, and easily conquered by the surprisingly simple act of getting-to-know.

But Trump is building his case on this irrational fear, arguing for rather than against it, arguing for division over unity. He legitimises the base instincts which we are usually smart and compassionate enough to overcome. He tries to turn his supporters against Mexicans, against Muslims, against refugees, as if these people are a threat.

They’re not a threat. The threat is that Trump and his ilk succeed in creating a divided, submissive nation whose intelligence and compassion are devalued.

But you don’t have to take that shit.

Citizens of the United States of America, some of you are descended from Native Americans and the rest of you are there because of immigration. What you have is a relatively young nation, but one that has been quick to evolve, and in many ways you represent a quest for freedom and opportunity which has drawn people to you from all over the world. True, you have signed off on some vile shit. But even if you’re not quite there yet, no other country is in a better position to demonstrate that all men and women are created equal. This potential might be your greatest strength, and you shouldn’t allow bumblefucks like Trump to undermine it.

So what you can do is ignore this idiot. Turn your back on him. Don’t go to his rallies. Use the time to learn about the things he says you should be afraid of. Learn about Islam. Find out what’s going on in Syria. Read up on Japanese Internment. Read about the wall they built in Berlin. Read about the last time members of a religion were forced to wear identifying badges. Research terror groups like ISIL and, as the detective would say, follow the money—because to shoot people they need to buy guns and bullets, therefore the fastest way to neutralise them is to cut off their funding. The second fastest way might be to stop selling guns and bullets to their sponsors.

Trump has freedom of speech, and is entitled to exercise his right by prattling on about all manner of nonsense. But you don’t have to listen. You’re better than that.

Thanks guys,


Originally published 11 December 2015